I mean I want to see

GOT a couple of books from a friend. I’ve just finished The Memory Keeper’s Daughter, which is written in a spare style but is rich with psychological detail and the nuances of human connection. Also unsentimental but touching in its portrayal of a Down’s Syndrome child, who is direct and guileless.

I suppose it’s also the sense of moving away from what-it-could-have-beens that draws me to this book. From the introduction: “Life is a moving image, unfolding and changing beyond our control. Despite our desire to freeze a moment or to go back into the past and alter events, time presses us forward.”

It doesn’t take much to bring about contentment: A cup of tea, a handful of cherries, a good book, telephone conversations with friends sending me stories, their energy like a kind of light.

*

Work: Most people spend far too much time thinking about what they’re going to do — then planning it out, allocating set priorities, and further polishing the plan — and far too little time doing things, even if they come in the “wrong” order. Don’t wait. Do at least something of what you need to do now. Then do some more. Lots of small steps often take you further than one or two huge leaps.

And perhaps it’s simplistic? But I think, if given a choice, you should go for whatever makes you happy. Whatever feels true to yourself. So many of us have gotten into that habit of judging people by their schools or universities or occupations — I know I have; it’s not been easy as I’ve often felt as if I were stagnating in this job while the rest of my friends moved on in academia/finance/consulting/NGOs. It’s almost an instinct with upwardly mobile Singaporeans: with acquaintances you ask what schools the person has been to, what colleges, what qualifications, what courses, what firm, what position.

But the truth is that success is not determined by what job you do. It doesn’t have to be complicated when you talk about worth. Other traits — kindness, compassion, a sense of humour, graciousness, honesty, heart — matter much more. At the end of the day it’s character that matters.

This doesn’t mean I’m not going to work towards my goals. (I get bored with a routine job; I still believe in “vocation”; there’s a vitality that comes with academia that makes me know I’m headed in the right direction.) But it stops my tendency to compare and lets me keep an eye on running my own race, and it tempers the harsh and rigid manner in which I judge myself, judge others, that has made me so unhappy.

THE paper I work for is fond of trumpeting “we’ve made it” rankings in magazines and newspapers, obscure or otherwise, in which Singapore makes the list. It’s been ranked no. 17 in a survey of the most livable cities of the world (above Paris and London and Geneva), the National University of Singapore ranks 24 or similar, and so on and so forth.

In the absence of centuries of history, we have effort; and we trumpet our earnest history of effort in planning, in street signs, in urban landscaping.

The playing up of these surveys reminds me of a rather insecure self-made woman who has just come into a lot of money through her admirable industriousness. But she isn’t properly classy. She doesn’t quite know how to behave, is unsure of what topics to talk about, what to bring to the table, and ends up trying too hard. Her speech is a little too raw and over-the-top, the trophies and certificates in the house are too painfully prominent. While she’s often pleasant and pleasing and obviously hard-working she’s just not quite there yet. In fact, at times she’s ostentatious and grating.

But we are forgiving of her, we understand that she has much to be proud of. As she grew up, there were the usual hardships that we often find somewhere along the way. Struggle. Hostile surroundings. Schoolyard bullies. Poverty.

Having had to forge a living by her wits, her idea of worth is tied up with competition and external validation. That means that she is often never quite at peace with herself. So she has a prickly temper. She believes in theories and formulae. She’s forever tying up loose ends.

On her shelves are colour-coordinated imported antiques. There are self-help books and make-up manuals beside her bed. She plays it safe and boring, she is dedicated to details, but she never quite manages to attain the slightly off-kilter charm and warmth and exuberance of those who are more confident and less concerned about appearances.

*

“In the long run, unintelligent political education will produce either conformism or cynicism — or a debilitating mixture of the two — and will undo any good that emerges elsewhere in the system…

“A society that pushes us towards dependent and frustrated patterns of behaviour will not enable adults to be ‘at home’ with their limits and their choices in a way that makes it possible to welcome or nurture those who are bound to be dependent, who are still learning their own freedom.”

- Rowan Williams, Lost Icons

I’M reading Orhan Pamuk’s Istanbul: I love how the city’s thousands of years of history is not just trapped in some tourist district or stuffy museum, but is out there on the streets, mixing with people’s everyday lives, grace and sadness mingled with something’s that is vibrant and alive.

BACK to the books. I don’t think I’ve lost heart.

1. Languages: need four solid ones (at least) for comp lit.
Fluent — Chinese
Intermediate — French and German and classical Chinese
Beginner — Vietnamese and Thai

2. Reading
a) for fun:
Per Petterson, Out Stealing Horses
Orhan Pamuk, Istanbul

b) for work:
Nicholas Tarling
structuralists
Norton Anthologies (we need something like these for regional literature)

3. Writing:
Application essay
Personal statement

4. Logistics:
GREs
Driver’s licence
Letters of recommendation

*

“I’m pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn’t been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith. I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

Forwarded from the lovely Anais in Beijing, from Jobs’ commencement speech.

Am back to normal self after a longish bout of hermity brooding/unhappy restlessness. Thanks to good advice all around and friends who keep me grounded. Love you lots.

SOME conversations leave me feeling drained — a couple of people were giving me career advice and throwing around anecdotes and stories of oodles of money and “now’s the time” etc for some time. Was left feeling discontented and unhappy, and I couldn’t put my finger on it exactly, but now I know why — there was always that faint tinge of envy and greed colouring their talk.

The tone’s confident, assertive, entitled but also miserable. And infectious — I was feeling entitled and miserable. It showed in my short temper, in my chafing and preoccupation at work, in my hermity withdrawal.

I want things that are vivid and alive in all aspects of my life. And to hell with the tentacles and distorted values.

*

Speaking of rich, I’m probably going to dream of drowning in a fountain of chocolate: Just went for a chocolate buffet — ate nothing but tarts, cakes, fruits etc served up with various forms of chocolate. Oh, for vats and vats of clear soup and Chinese tea.

A GOOD friend of mine is heading up to Hong Kong, which got me thinking about various career options: break bond now or later, industry or academia, etc. Pro-con lists, preoccupation, then paralysis.

Time to get out of dark and brooding and hermity mode and get going again.

GO placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

- Just read it off Carol’s blog again.

Prestige, money, status, security, familiarity, power: These all speak to us loudly and more compellingly than the subtler messages of who we are. Yet those messages can be heard: by watching what you really care about, by knowing when your body as well as your mind feels alive, by being conscious of what engages you, and by being mindful of what sets you free.

Yup, more self-helpish material. Have been just putting things in order.