I mean I want to see

THIS book saved my life.

“I am not a Christian,” Charlene proclaimed. “My religion speaks of love, not of meaning.”

“Well, what do Christians say as to the meaning of life? Even if it isn’t what you believe, at least it’s a model.”

“I’m not interested in models.”

“You were raised in the Christian Church. You spent almost two years as a professional teacher of Christian doctrine,” I went on, goading her. “Surely you’re not so dumb as to be unaware of what Christians say is the meaning of life, the purpose of human existence.”

“We exist for the glory of God,” Charlene said in a flat, low monotone, as if she were sullenly repeating an alien catechism, learned by rote and extracted from her at gunpoint. “The purpose of our life is to glorify God.”

“Well?” I asked.

There was a short silence. For a brief moment I thought she might cry — the one time in our work together. “I cannot do it. There’s no room for *me* in that. That would be my death,” she said in a quavering voice. Then, with a suddenness that frightened me, what seemed to be her choked-back sobs turned into a roar. “I don’t want to live for God. I will not. I want to live for me. My own sake!”

It was another session in the middle of which Charlene walked out. I felt a terrible pity for her. I wanted to cry, but my own tears would not come. “Oh, God, she’s so alone,” was all I could whisper.

She’s a formidable intelligence but it’s all dedicated to offence and defence systems, devoted entirely to combat. Her machine was “a thing of beauty. It was intricate. It was intricate beyond belief. It could do so many things. It had been constructed with such care and ingenuity. It had so many levels and operations. It was a masterpiece of engineering”. The machine represents not her intelligence but her neurosis, the doctor said…”Your neurosis is large and complicated. You have constructed it over many, many years. It does serve many functions for you, but it’s cumbersome and constantly tripping you up and not working when you need it. And it keeps you from being close to people, for it was built for warfare — to protect you from people, as you probably needed to be protected from your parents. But you don’t need such protection now. You need to be open to people, not to be at war with them. You don’t need that machine. It’s getting in your way. It’s only a weapons system, designed solely for warfare — to keep people away”.

There but for the grace of God go I. Christianity to me is all about service, of a willing victim to end the cycles of pain and suffering. I find it hard to believe in heaven. But I think it’s the only way to lead my life. You can throw me in jail if you want, or even kill me. Just pass Jo over safe and sound.

*

Oh it seems that she’s going to be (somewhat) okay, so I’m less displeased now :) In any case, this book says a lot about power and abuse and I especially liked the section on My Lai.